As a regular listener to Bill Burr‘s Monday Morning Podcast, I occasionally encounter a spontaneous riff that is so sharp and funny that it’s hard to imagine that it hasn’t been written down somewhere and shared with the masses. With that in mind, here’s a segment of his recent podcast that I tried to transcribe…
You know what somebody said to me the other day? He was telling me, “You gotta have a kid.” I was like, “I know, I know.” And he goes, “No no, but you can’t just have one. You gotta have two.”
It’s like, douchebag, are you watching the news? Ya know? You gotta have two. Do you really? You don’t think there’s enough fucking people taking a shit everyday? Huh? Throwing another fucking plastic water bottle into the ocean? You should be looking at me, going ‘thank you, thank you for not having fucking any.’ And there’s two less cunts walking around the fucking world. Right?
Everyone should have one, from here on out, until it tapers off. And everyone would be like ‘what’s the ramification of an entire generation of only childs?’ Well, how much worse could they do than what we’ve done? Right?
Oh, Billy Soapbox here. Look at him, he’s banging his fucking Bible. Yeah, I’m telling you guys, there’s this spaceship that’s coming in 2030, with a freckled Son of God, and he only talks to me, so you guys need to gather ’round and drink my fucking Kool-Aid.